The holidays can be hard on people for various reasons, and I think the most troubling of all of them is loneliness.
Technically, I’m not lonely, I have a loving family; three long-time chicas who have been by my side through thick, thin, and puberty; and a group of friends who finally loves and appreciates me for who I am- good, bad, and ugly. Not to mention the big man upstairs Himself. But I’m still missing that one special someone. You know the one that you’d walk through the snow with hand-in-hand, or snuggle up with next to the fire, or share that Christmas kiss under the mistletoe with?
One of the harshest realities of going to college is the stark realization that you’re not going to be young forever. That you really have to enjoy this time because you can never get it back. And for me, that came with the realization that if I want to have a family, if I want to have kids of my own, I’m a ticking time-bomb of sorts. And that really scared me.
Within the past month or two, I’ve had several people make comments to me about how motherly I am. How being motherly works for me. How I look so natural being mother-like. How I look like “such a cute little mom.” How one day I’ll make some man a really good wife.
Even scarier. Remember that ticking time-bomb thing I just mentioned? Just keep that in the back of your minds for now.
I see the potential for me to be a great mom. I want that more than I want most things in life. But considering my luck in the man department, I’m terrified that I’ll never have the chance. I’m absolutely terrified that my dream of having a beautiful, loving family will never come to be because I won’t find a man- the right man- to share that life with. And now being in college, realizing that this is the time when people start pairing off for good now, it’s all been made all that more real for me.
And in some senses, I can’t wait around forever. My body will only be able to handle the strains of pregnancy and childbirth for so long. Ticking time-bomb, get it?
But then it was really interesting to talk to Jeavoi about it and find out that she and Vivaz have always said that I’d be the first one out of the three of us to get married. I was shocked. And in a way, that made me feel better, but then I realized that as much as I love the idea of finding that one person that I couldn’t imagine being without and that only wants to love me for the rest of his life, I’m also slightly terrified at the concept of giving myself over to someone that completely. Trusting someone that completely because you know they won’t ever hurt you. Because they love you in a way that no other person ever could.
It’s quite the dichotomy.
Now, don’t get me wrong: I had a very Merry Christmas with all of the people that I love in my life, so all things considered, I’m not really suffering from not having that one man to share the holidays with. It just gets a little lonely sometimes when you look at the Christmas lights and think, “Gee, I wish someone else’s gloved fingers were laced with mine right now.” You get to be my age, and as cliche as it sounds, the things on your Christmas list turn into world peace and a man to spend the rest of your life with.
But you also get to my age, and you stop writing letters to Santa because he can’t give you what you want anymore. Instead, you have to send up some prayers to the other Big Man, and accept whatever answer He gives you: yes, no, or just wait awhile.