The Queen of Everything

The other day, my roommate’s boyfriend pointed out how “okay” I am with not having a boyfriend.  I don’t need one to make me happy or complete me or what have you.  It’s funny that he said that.  It feels so false to me- like I’ve done a really good job of convincing everyone that I don’t need a man at my side.  And sure, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that chasing around trying to find Mr. Right isn’t going to bring him any closer, any faster.  Falling in love isn’t going to happen until the time is right.  But I’d be kidding myself if I didn’t admit that I want a man by my side.  I have so much love to give, and honestly, what stings the most about not having a boyfriend, is not having anyone to share it with or give it to.

A girl in my voice studio said to me, “You seem like you’re so confident all the time.  I wish I was more like that.”  I’d be lying if I said that’s the first time I’ve heard something like that.  I’ve always been a “fake it ’til you make it” kind of girl.  But sometimes that works, and sometimes it doesn’t.  I remember a high school friend’s boyfriend saying to me, literally in the middle of when I was going through the horrible mood swings that induced me to finally go see a psychiatrist for the first time, “The thing about you is that you’re so strong.  No one would ever know that there’s something wrong with you because you never let on.”  See the double-edged sword?  Sometimes I can make everyone (including myself) believe that I’m totally confident even when I’m scared out of my whits, and it works- I can calm my nerves or talk myself out of being afraid or brush off something embarrassing.  But sometimes, I’m just kidding myself and not crying out for help even though I’m drowning.

The thing is, I walk around like I’m the Queen of Everything.  But even the Queen of Everything needs to be loved.  Needs to be taken care of.  I really believe that there’s some truth to that saying about the people who care the most for others are sometimes the ones that need to be cared for.

One of my greatest attributes and my greatest flaws is that I will walk a thousand miles to help someone- I’m always giving too much of myself (I realize that that sounds really conceited, but ask anyone who knows me really well, and they’ll tell you).  And it’s important for me to say this in this way because when I was with my previous group of friends, I was accused of being selfish because I didn’t want to be friends with Red anymore.  Now Red’s parents had gotten divorced in the seventh grade, and it was really tough on her.  Understandable.  So the rest of my friends and I tried to help her get back on her feet.  But she began having anger management issues, and she became verbally and physically abusive, and we tried to help her…  Needless to say, by sophomore year, she hadn’t changed.  But my mental health was declining because I was trying to save hers, and that’s when I had to back out of that friendship.  Which in my other friends’ eyes made me selfish.  Anyway, ask anyone except that group of people, and they’ll say something to the effect of, “You’re one of the most selfless people I know” or “If anything, you need to take more time for yourself and stop doing everything for everyone else!”  I digress.

The point is, yeah, I’m happy with myself, and I’m pretty confident and outgoing and all.  But sometimes, I’m just really good at ‘faking it ’til I make it.”  Sometimes that’s a good thing, sometimes it’s not.  And sure, I don’t need a man by my side to be happy or to be complete.  But it sure would be nice.  Especially in light of the upcoming holidays.  I’m not really looking forward to round one of, “So, how’s college?  Are your classes going well?  Have you found somebody yet?… Oh, well, he’ll come along soon enough.”  You can’t blame a girl (even if she’s strong and independent) for wanting someone to love her and even take care of her sometimes- and for wanting someone to love and take care of in return.

Anyway, I just ask that you take a look at the people around you.  Maybe consider that the person who’s doing everything for you doesn’t have someone doing anything for them.  The smallest act of gratitude, appreciation, or kindness can go a long way.

-Enjouée

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