Never again

My freshman year, I met a guy. Actually, I never really met him. We kind of drifted into a friendship. I noticed him the first week of school, when we made eye contact across the room. I’m not exactly sure what made me take a second look. I honestly don’t remember how I felt when I noticed him. When I go back and read my journals at the time, I didn’t even write about him at first. But a few weeks after I remember noticing him, he starts to pop up in my journal. For me, the crush happened pretty quickly. We were swapping glances across the room within the first few weeks of school. I was cautious- it was the first time I noticed a guy noticing me. When I read my journal from back then, I wrote a lot about how I didn’t think he’d ever talk to me. I didn’t think anything would come from it. It was the first crush I remembered having- I don’t fall for guys easily. I didn’t know what to expect, decided to be pessimistic. But I got butterflies when I felt him looking at me across the room. Sometimes I would let myself look back, and he’d look away quickly. Other times I wouldn’t look over, because I wanted to feel him looking at me for a while. One day, working on a lab, he walked over and stood behind me for a while, watching me work, but he didn’t say anything. After a few months of school, he asked to borrow my pencil. Another time, he laughed when he overheard a conversation I was having with my friend. He sat next to me for a presentation in school, and he turned to watch me for a while. Our elbows bumped each other’s over the arm rests. Small things. I told myself he didn’t like me. I told myself he did. I told myself first crushes don’t go anywhere. I told myself they could. I told myself not to expect anything, but I couldn’t stop myself from hoping. It took us forever to actually start talking. It was almost the end of the school year before we had our first conversation. He complimented my dress, and somehow, it started us talking. He laughed at almost everything I said. I laughed at almost everything he said. We weren’t shy with each other once we got going. In fact, we started a running inside joke. I practically floated on air every time we talked. He teased me a lot. The last day of school, I wondered if I should ask for his number. But I didn’t. And I walked out of the classroom, thinking it was over. I was a little sad to see it go.

A few months are long enough to forget a crush. I got over him. Actually, I didn’t think about him for long after the school year ended. But the next year, at a school football game with some friends, I turned my head and he was there. My heart completely jumped in my chest. I pretended I didn’t see him. I didn’t think he saw me. I didn’t want to talk to him. I was afraid he had a girlfriend, I was afraid it wouldn’t work out, I was afraid of getting a crush on him again. I decided not to talk to him. But I didn’t need to. He talked to me first.

We made eye contact through the crowd. I looked away. A few minutes later, his friend group slid into the bleachers behind me. I tried not to be aware of it. After a while, when nothing happened, he got up with a friend and moved into the row in front of me. I stared at the players on the field. And he turned around. I didn’t even look at him until I heard him call, remind me about our inside joke. He leaned back, and we talked for a while. I couldn’t help smiling at the way we picked up like we’d never stopped talking. I wound up sitting next to him, and we talked, leaning into each other. It was crowded, we had to sit close. I wished I could have stayed longer, but my sister came and got me, saying we needed to leave.

At homecoming, I noticed him while the homecoming king and queen were being announced. The second we made eye contact, he started moving through the crowd. He came up to me and gave me a hug. He asked how I was doing, and we talked for a while.

Long story short, nothing happened. Every time we saw each other, something happened. He was working our school store once when I went to go buy a coffee. When he set it on the counter, he kept his hand wrapped around it, and I had to take it from his hand. Small things like that. But then suddenly, things stopped. He stopped saying hi. We didn’t talk any more. And after a while, there was another girl. It took me a while to get over him. It was my first crush. It hurt that we didn’t even acknowledge each other any more.

I did get over him again, though. It took me a few months, but I did. There have been other guys since then, and things have worked out better. It’s been easier. I was happy to leave it at that. I decided it hadn’t really been a bad ending. It was a prolonged crush that just wasn’t meant to work out. Big deal. It was over.

But the other day before the bell rang, I was sitting in the cafeteria of my school, waiting for my study hall to start, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. He sat down next to me. I was shocked to see him after so long. I was even more shocked that suddenly, he’d decided to talk to me. We’d seen each other around this school year, and we hadn’t even smiled. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why he decided to talk to me. We talked so long he was late to his first class. I thought, crap. Not again. Not this up-and-down again, where if he talks to me, I’m happy, when he doesn’t, I’m upset. I’m writing this because, it started again. I could feel it coming on again, and I’m cutting it short. He walked right past me the other day talking to another girl, without saying anything to me, and I know he doesn’t have to. I don’t have any claim on him. It was mutual for a while, and it’s not any more. He has every right to have moved on from me. And I want to move on from him. So I’m writing this because I’ve decided to move on. I’ve decided that I’m not going to like this guy ever again. He can say hi all he wants, and I’ll talk to him when he does. But I know it’s not going to work. I guess I’m writing this so I can feel like it’s official. Jeavoi is officially moving on.



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